Bambi, food vendors, come here! Come closer! Stomach to stomach, heart to heart! I am not abusing you; the Kifuuta Oracles are WARNING you!
I have moved! I have travelled! And travel to over 68 countries and cities — this teaches a fool what books cannot!
ONE LESSON SLAPPED ME: FOOD IS NEVER DIRTY — IT IS THE COOK WHO IS DIRTY!
ABIDJAN — IVORY COAST — THEY FED ME FROG AND I ASKED FOR MORE!
Picture this! White plate, shining like new mabaati! No fly! No single fly dare land!
Meat on it, fat, golden, crispy, smelling like the best chicken from Mukono Town or Namawojolo! I chew! I enjoy! I lick fingers! I burp!
"Madame, what meat is this? So sweet!"
She laughs, "C'est grenouille! FROG!"
Me, a Muganda, frog eater! But I didn't throw up; I said, "Put another one!"
WHY? HYGIENE IS A MAGICIAN! Cleanliness can turn a frog into chicken! Cleanliness can make a Muganda eat what his clan forbids!
ZAMBIA — WHERE A RAT BECAME A ROLEX!
Ngoni people in Chipata, Petauke, Lundazi, they brought MBEBA! Rat! Zambia, one people, one Nation!
Luapula, Mansa, Kasama, they brought FINKUBALA — you know it as Ebisanyi in Luganda, those scary caterpillars!
But my eyes refused! The plate was clean, dry, no single hair, no smell, packed neat like groundnuts in a supermarket! I almost ate rat and said, "Ofumbye Nnyabo."
Zambezi, Kabompo, Chavuma — KAKEYA! Those small bitter fish like baby frogs! Crispy! No sand! No mud! Golden!
Kifuuta Oracle shouted: NO FOOD IS DISGUSTING — ONLY A DIRTY COOK IS DISGUSTING!
THEN I LANDED BACK TO UGANDA — AND I WANTED TO FAST LIKE JESUS FOR 40 DAYS!
You enter a restaurant in Kampala, Mbale, Kamuli, Mbarara, Ajumani, atte Jinja around Nizamu Road, maama Nnyabo, and hunger runs away through the window!
Flies — eh! Flies are not visitors; they are MANAGERS! They sit on meat like they are shareholders!
The server — her nails are black, fish scales still hiding inside, and with those same fingers she is pinching your soft chapati! You will eat scales! Naye abantu mu Kiyindi Buikwe!
Her hair — three days uncombed, tired, breaking, falling inside your beans — one hair, two hairs — free seasoning you never ordered!
Plate comes while still foaming! How will that meat taste, sabuni still dancing obangaina on your plate!
White towel? White? That towel is now brown doughnut! Brown!
One apron for everything! Wipe plate with it! Wipe sweat with it! Wipe spoon with it! One kitenge, three jobs! Abomination of abominations!
You come from kitchen smelling smoke like you are the firewood, sweat pouring like River Nile from forehead, wiping snot with palm, then you come to serve me? Boss, I am full! Even if you say food is free, I AM FULL OF YOUR Dirt! Otunuulanga Omusikeko, Daala nga Katonda gwatafako.
BUT NOW LISTEN — WE HAVE GRADUATED FROM DIRT TO DEATH! WE ARE NOW COOKING CANCER!
MATOOKE IN KAVEERA — BUVEERA!
Jaajja Deborah Naidoo and Mukyala Mangarita Muguluma used green banana leaves — sweet, natural, smelling heaven!
As the Oracles from Kifuuta sleep in a dispenser of thoughts? You lazy! You wrap matooke in black buveera, blue buveera, that kaveera that carried Omo, that kaveera that carried paraffin last week! You put on fire! Buveera melts! It sweats poison! It cries chemicals inside matooke!
My sister! That poison has a name! Doctors call it BPA! DIOXIN! We call it CANCER! SLOW DEATH!
You think matooke is yellow and soft, kumbe it is poisoned! That is why Mulago Cancer Institute is full! That is why every village now has cancer! Because our kitchens have become poison factories!
You are not steaming food; you are steaming DEATH for your children!
VEGETABLES BAPTIZED IN DRAINAGE
You selling nakati, bugga, tomatoes!
I caught you! At Kalerwe! At Nakawa! At Luwero, Nakaloke roadside! Basin inside the drainage channel! Black water! Car oil floating! Sewage! Urine! Factory chemicals! And you are swirling tomatoes inside!
No! You are not washing! You are BAPTIZING tomatoes in CHOLERA! In TYPHOID! In CANCER!
Water that even pigs run away from — that is where you wash what I will eat raw with my mouth?
Then you bring them to market looking fresh, wet, shining, but carrying death on their skin!
VENDORS! EQUATION! LISTEN!
- CLEAN HANDS + CLEAN CLOTHES + CLEAN PLATE = CLEAN MONEY + LONG LIFE!
- DIRTY HANDS + BUVEERA + DRAINAGE WATER = HOSPITAL + FUNERAL!
So THE ORACLES FROM KIFUUTA beg you:
THROW THAT BUVEERA! Bring back leaves! Leaves are cheaper than chemotherapy!
THROW THAT DRAINAGE WATER! Use clean tap water! Tell us water is expensive; we shall add 500 shillings! We prefer paying more than paying Mulago bill!
COMB THAT HAIR! Cover it! PLAIT IT!
CUT THOSE NAILS! Scrub them!
WASH THAT TOWEL! Let white be WHITE!
WASH THAT PLATE AND DRY IT! No soap bubbles!
WEAR SANDALS! Wash those cracked feet!
CHASE THOSE FLIES! They are not your business partners!
Because in Abidjan they make me eat FROG because they are CLEAN!
In Zambia they almost make me eat RAT — FINKUBALA EBISANYI — because they are CLEAN!
In Uganda you make me fail to eat CHICKEN because you are DIRTY — and you make me eat PLASTIC and DRAINAGE!
It is not the food, my dear. IT IS YOU!
Before, dirt only killed appetite. Now dirt kills LIFE.
So let us wake up!
TUKWATAGANE! EVEN ON THE PLATE! EVEN AGAINST CANCER! EVEN FOR OUR CHILDREN!
